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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Black Mark On Birth Control Manufacturer’s Record Weighs In At 7 Pounds, 6 Ounces

LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. “I’m pleased to report the labor and delivery went smoothly, and that both mother and [notable blemish on the efficacy of the widely trusted oral contraceptive] are getting some much-needed rest,” said Dr. Patricia Nguyen, who noted that, aside from some mild jaundice, the glaring evidence of the drug’s failure was completely healthy. “I don’t think we’ll need to keep them here for more than another 24 hours. I’m sure the new parents are excited to get back home and start spending time with their [instance falling within the less than 1 percent of cases in which the pill’s active ingredients are unable to prevent pregnancy].” At press time, sources confirmed that Zahn and her husband had decided to name the exceedingly rare—but still statistically possible—accident “Sophia.”

After Birth

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