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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Black Sheep Of Earnhardt Family Dies In Public Transit Crash

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Terrance Earnhardt, youngest son of the late NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt, died Friday when the light-rail Muni Metro train he was riding home from his oncology practice derailed, delivering one final embarrassment to the racing family. "It's a shame things had to come to this, but at least they finally have some closure and can stop worrying about him politely moving to the center of the vehicle so that other bus passengers have room to board," said longtime family friend Darrell Waltrip. "I know it tore Dale up inside, but after Terry confessed he didn't like competition or going fast and had a deep interest in alternative transportation solutions that reduced society's carbon footprint, they never spoke again. It was for the best." The Earnhardt family is planning a private mourning lap Wednesday and has posthumously named Terrance the driver of the number 37 Quaker State Oil Additives Chevrolet.

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