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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Blackhawks Attempt To Find Out Why Shark On San Jose Logo Is Eating Hockey Stick

SAN JOSE, CA—Baffled members of the Chicago Blackhawks reportedly scrutinized San Jose's logo Tuesday in an attempt to determine some logical reason as to why it pictures a ferocious underwater predator eating a hockey stick. "Sharks are primarily carnivorous, so it really makes no sense for them to suddenly introduce wood to their diet," said center Jonathan Toews, wondering how a hockey stick would wind up in the ocean. "Isn't a mascot animal supposed to be in favor of hockey? Why then would he ruin a good stick by biting it in half? Also, not to get too nitpicky, but San Jose is inland, so they don't have sharks, unless the shark is bursting up through the rink, which is just unrealistic and stupid." The San Jose Sharks were reportedly just as confused by the Blackhawks logo, failing to understand what a somewhat racist representation of a Native American had to do with hockey.

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