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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Blake Griffin Caught Plagiarizing Dunks

LOS ANGELES—The professional basketball world was left reeling as reports surfaced Tuesday that Los Angeles Clippers power forward Blake Griffin has been caught plagiarizing several of his slam dunks. “We have heard these accusations, and let me assure you that they are receiving our full attention,” said Clippers general manager Gary Sacks, referring to allegations that the former Rookie of the Year stole several iconic dunks from other players without properly crediting them—most egregiously a two-handed overhand slam from the low post recorded in a Jan. 4, 2012 game against the Houston Rockets that experts call a “carbon copy” of a similar dunk previously executed by Chicago Bulls forward Carlos Boozer. “If Blake is found to have in fact stolen these dunks—and we are still making every effort to determine if his rim position, angle of approach, and hang time were in fact lifted from other athletes—then we will hold him fully responsible for his misdeeds. Dunk plagiarism lately has become a black eye for this league, and it is not something our organization takes lightly.” A visibly agitated Griffin reportedly insisted that the only borrowed components of his jams were those taken from public domain slam dunks by such NBA legends as Bob Pettit, Dave DeBusschere, and Elvin Hayes.

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