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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Bleary-Eyed Cosmopolitan Staffer Cranks Out 10 Billionth Way To Bring Out The Animal In Your Man

NEW YORK—Cosmopolitan writer Melissa Rutherford achieved a journalistic milestone Tuesday, when she cranked out the magazine's 10 billionth article revealing how to bring out the animal in your man. "Surprise him by greeting him after work in a sexy new red cocktail dress," wrote the drained, numb Rutherford, who has advised Cosmopolitan readers how to bring out the animal in their men 135,285 times during her six-year tenure with the magazine. "If that doesn't do the trick, tell him you left something in the kitchen, leave the room, and then come back in the altogether!" Upon completing the piece, Rutherford jumped out a 34th-story window.

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