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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Bleary-Eyed Cosmopolitan Staffer Cranks Out 10 Billionth Way To Bring Out The Animal In Your Man

NEW YORK—Cosmopolitan writer Melissa Rutherford achieved a journalistic milestone Tuesday, when she cranked out the magazine's 10 billionth article revealing how to bring out the animal in your man. "Surprise him by greeting him after work in a sexy new red cocktail dress," wrote the drained, numb Rutherford, who has advised Cosmopolitan readers how to bring out the animal in their men 135,285 times during her six-year tenure with the magazine. "If that doesn't do the trick, tell him you left something in the kitchen, leave the room, and then come back in the altogether!" Upon completing the piece, Rutherford jumped out a 34th-story window.

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