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Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

BANGOR, ME—Office personnel coordinator Clem Chesterton, who was hired by your superiors last year to track work flow, project progress, and employee efficiency in your department, spent a sleepless Sunday night completing his assigned task of making sure you are working as much as humanly possible. "We're trying to make sure everyone does a pass-check on the spreadsheet package that comes across their desk in the aftrnons [sic]," Chesterton's 2:44 a.m. e-mail to you read in part. "Keep in mins [sic] that these measures are being put in place to help us get more work done, despite the new mandatory meetings on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, outlined below." Chesterton is currently considered the darling of upper management due to the bathroom-attendance-tracking chart he drafted at 4 a.m. Christmas Eve.

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