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Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.
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Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

BANGOR, ME—Office personnel coordinator Clem Chesterton, who was hired by your superiors last year to track work flow, project progress, and employee efficiency in your department, spent a sleepless Sunday night completing his assigned task of making sure you are working as much as humanly possible. "We're trying to make sure everyone does a pass-check on the spreadsheet package that comes across their desk in the aftrnons [sic]," Chesterton's 2:44 a.m. e-mail to you read in part. "Keep in mins [sic] that these measures are being put in place to help us get more work done, despite the new mandatory meetings on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, outlined below." Chesterton is currently considered the darling of upper management due to the bathroom-attendance-tracking chart he drafted at 4 a.m. Christmas Eve.

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