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Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

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Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

BANGOR, ME—Office personnel coordinator Clem Chesterton, who was hired by your superiors last year to track work flow, project progress, and employee efficiency in your department, spent a sleepless Sunday night completing his assigned task of making sure you are working as much as humanly possible. "We're trying to make sure everyone does a pass-check on the spreadsheet package that comes across their desk in the aftrnons [sic]," Chesterton's 2:44 a.m. e-mail to you read in part. "Keep in mins [sic] that these measures are being put in place to help us get more work done, despite the new mandatory meetings on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, outlined below." Chesterton is currently considered the darling of upper management due to the bathroom-attendance-tracking chart he drafted at 4 a.m. Christmas Eve.

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