adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bleary-Eyed, Stuporous Houseguest Assures Host That He Slept Great

PITTSBURGH—Providing several reassurances about the quality of his previous night’s rest, bleary-eyed, stuporous houseguest Ken Hodge informed host Jeremy Muller this morning that he slept really great, sources confirmed. “Yeah, I was pretty comfy,” said the drowsy, sluggish 29-year-old, who restlessly tossed and turned throughout the night while attempting to find a comfortable sleeping position on the sagging cushions of Muller’s sofa. “That’s a nice couch. I was out like a light.” At press time, Hodge confirmed that the scratchy blanket that barely covered his entire body had kept him “nice and cozy.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close