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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Bleary-Eyed, Stuporous Houseguest Assures Host That He Slept Great

PITTSBURGH—Providing several reassurances about the quality of his previous night’s rest, bleary-eyed, stuporous houseguest Ken Hodge informed host Jeremy Muller this morning that he slept really great, sources confirmed. “Yeah, I was pretty comfy,” said the drowsy, sluggish 29-year-old, who restlessly tossed and turned throughout the night while attempting to find a comfortable sleeping position on the sagging cushions of Muller’s sofa. “That’s a nice couch. I was out like a light.” At press time, Hodge confirmed that the scratchy blanket that barely covered his entire body had kept him “nice and cozy.”

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