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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Bleary-Eyed, Stuporous Houseguest Assures Host That He Slept Great

PITTSBURGH—Providing several reassurances about the quality of his previous night’s rest, bleary-eyed, stuporous houseguest Ken Hodge informed host Jeremy Muller this morning that he slept really great, sources confirmed. “Yeah, I was pretty comfy,” said the drowsy, sluggish 29-year-old, who restlessly tossed and turned throughout the night while attempting to find a comfortable sleeping position on the sagging cushions of Muller’s sofa. “That’s a nice couch. I was out like a light.” At press time, Hodge confirmed that the scratchy blanket that barely covered his entire body had kept him “nice and cozy.”

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