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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Blissful Ignorance Commemorated On Annual 9/10 Anniversary

NEW YORK—In cities and communities throughout the nation today, Americans gathered by the thousands to commemorate the blissful ignorance of Sept. 10, 2001. “Every year at this time, we pause to remember that momentous late summer day when our nation was united in delightful complacency, utterly oblivious to anything that was happening outside our own borders,” New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a 9/10 memorial event, adding that 11 years ago today, Americans were happily unaware of where Afghanistan was on a map or what al-Qaeda was, but happy nonetheless. “None of us should ever forget the events of 9/10—the Broncos Monday night victory over the Giants, the Dow Jones Industrial Average gaining 2.15 points in moderate trading—which profoundly touched us all by keeping us joyously unmindful of the wider world and the growing anti-American sentiment that was about to be unleashed. We must never forget.” As per tradition, the nation’s 9/10 ceremonies concluded with the tolling of bells, candle-lightings, and the annual name-reading of those Americans who naively went to bed that night thinking everything would always be okay.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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