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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Blissful Ignorance Commemorated On Annual 9/10 Anniversary

NEW YORK—In cities and communities throughout the nation today, Americans gathered by the thousands to commemorate the blissful ignorance of Sept. 10, 2001. “Every year at this time, we pause to remember that momentous late summer day when our nation was united in delightful complacency, utterly oblivious to anything that was happening outside our own borders,” New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a 9/10 memorial event, adding that 11 years ago today, Americans were happily unaware of where Afghanistan was on a map or what al-Qaeda was, but happy nonetheless. “None of us should ever forget the events of 9/10—the Broncos Monday night victory over the Giants, the Dow Jones Industrial Average gaining 2.15 points in moderate trading—which profoundly touched us all by keeping us joyously unmindful of the wider world and the growing anti-American sentiment that was about to be unleashed. We must never forget.” As per tradition, the nation’s 9/10 ceremonies concluded with the tolling of bells, candle-lightings, and the annual name-reading of those Americans who naively went to bed that night thinking everything would always be okay.

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