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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Blissful Ignorance Commemorated On Annual 9/10 Anniversary

NEW YORK—In cities and communities throughout the nation today, Americans gathered by the thousands to commemorate the blissful ignorance of Sept. 10, 2001. “Every year at this time, we pause to remember that momentous late summer day when our nation was united in delightful complacency, utterly oblivious to anything that was happening outside our own borders,” New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a 9/10 memorial event, adding that 11 years ago today, Americans were happily unaware of where Afghanistan was on a map or what al-Qaeda was, but happy nonetheless. “None of us should ever forget the events of 9/10—the Broncos Monday night victory over the Giants, the Dow Jones Industrial Average gaining 2.15 points in moderate trading—which profoundly touched us all by keeping us joyously unmindful of the wider world and the growing anti-American sentiment that was about to be unleashed. We must never forget.” As per tradition, the nation’s 9/10 ceremonies concluded with the tolling of bells, candle-lightings, and the annual name-reading of those Americans who naively went to bed that night thinking everything would always be okay.

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