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Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

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Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
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Blistex Executive Makes Fool Of Himself At Lip-Balm Conference

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—While attending the lip-balm industry's largest annual conference, Blistex marketing executive Bernard Ganley committed a number of embarrassing social gaffes, breached several codes of conduct, and generally acted in a manner unbefitting a major lip-balm company representative, sources reported Thursday.

Bernard Ganley embarrasses himself, Blistex, and the entire lip-care industry.

Ganley, who was sent to the four-day conference to launch Blistex's new lip moisturizer, first humiliated himself Monday morning when he failed to remember what the signature product was called. By the end of the week, the 62-year-old executive had made a dozen more blunders, including walking straight past an important regional wholesaler, stumbling over basic industry terminology, and suggesting that applicator tips were a "thing of the past."

"Bernard should have been honored to be part of such an esteemed event, but instead he makes a complete ass of himself," said conference attendee Donald L. Porter. "To say the things he did in front of ChapStick CEO Russell Morton, whose grandfather single-handedly built the lip-soothing industry—it's an atrocity."

"Asking if ChapStick ever tried adding mint to its medicated formula," Porter continued. "Is he out of his godforsaken mind?"

The national symposium, which took place at the Scottsdale Resort and Conference Center, was reportedly almost ruined by Ganley on a number of occasions. According to sources, the thoughtless executive threw away free samples right in front of vendors, asked horrified onlookers the difference between salve and balm, and alienated several Carmex distributors when he noted that the company was still using those "little white jars."

Many claimed the all-natural lip-care company Burt's Bees received the worst of Granley's insensitive remarks. Granley failed to recognize Burt's Bees CEO John Replogle and then overlooked the senior executive's outstretched hand after it was determined that the two of them had met several times before.

In addition, Granley offended Replogle when he told him that Burt's Bees' products tasted a lot better than he remembered.

"I understand that Blistex is one of the top three lip-balm manufacturers in the country, but who does he think he is acting so dismissive?" said Kiss My Face CFO Crystal Ward. "Burt's Bees is established now. You don't just brush them off. And you definitely don't go up to that table and not talk to Harriet."

"Jesus Christ," Ward continued. "You just don't do that."

Granley's competitors were not the only ones to feel the brunt of his inappropriate behavior. On Tuesday, the Blistex executive drew the scorn of his own company after incorrectly referring to its new sheer moisturizing solution as "ointment," and was nearly fired on the spot later that same day after suggesting that Blistex's flagship cherry flavor be discontinued—a move many called "unthinkable and highly offensive."

"You can't attack cherry flavor and expect to get away with it," said vice president of Blistex business development Steve Mundle. "This will get back to corporate, it'll get out to people. Heads are going to roll."

"This was supposed to be a breakthrough year for Blistex; we were supposed to be celebrating," Mundle added. "Instead. one loose cannon had to destroy everything we worked so hard to build."

Granley reportedly made his worst faux pas on the final night of the symposium, when he invited conventioneers up to his suite for the annual cocaine orgy, only to stand naked in front of the entire room and ask if anyone had brought Vaseline.

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