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Bloated, Rotund Bernie Sanders Reveals He Has Finished Drinking All Of Flint’s Water Supply

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Election 2016

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.
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Bloated, Rotund Bernie Sanders Reveals He Has Finished Drinking All Of Flint’s Water Supply

FLINT, MI—Emitting a long groan as he steadied himself at his podium, an extremely bloated, rotund Bernie Sanders revealed during Sunday night’s Democratic debate that he had finished drinking Flint’s entire water supply. “I promise the people of Flint that you’ll never have to worry about toxic lead in your drinking water ever again,” said the swollen Vermont senator, grimacing as water audibly sloshed around inside his bulging stomach after he shifted his weight slightly. “It’s been entirely taken care of. Clean water is—oh, urgggh, gah—a human right, and, oh God, no.” At press time, several aides abandoned an attempt to roll Sanders off the stage after the wooden floorboards collapsed under the candidate’s massive body.

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