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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Bloated, Rotund Bernie Sanders Reveals He Has Finished Drinking All Of Flint’s Water Supply

FLINT, MI—Emitting a long groan as he steadied himself at his podium, an extremely bloated, rotund Bernie Sanders revealed during Sunday night’s Democratic debate that he had finished drinking Flint’s entire water supply. “I promise the people of Flint that you’ll never have to worry about toxic lead in your drinking water ever again,” said the swollen Vermont senator, grimacing as water audibly sloshed around inside his bulging stomach after he shifted his weight slightly. “It’s been entirely taken care of. Clean water is—oh, urgggh, gah—a human right, and, oh God, no.” At press time, several aides abandoned an attempt to roll Sanders off the stage after the wooden floorboards collapsed under the candidate’s massive body.

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