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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Blogger Takes Few Moments Every Morning To Decide Whether To Feel Outraged, Incensed, Or Shocked By Day’s News

SYRACUSE, NY—Explaining that the routine has simply become a regular part of his workday, local blogger Daniel Garner told reporters Monday that he sets aside a few moments each morning to decide whether to feel outraged, incensed, or completely shocked by the day’s news. “Every day I wake up, head online, take a quick glance at what’s happening in the world, blatantly disregard most of it, and then carefully consider what type of overblown and sensationalist reaction I’ll use to frame my next blog post for my readers,” said Garner, describing the difficulty he faces daily when choosing between sputtering exasperation or blind, impotent rage as the overarching tone for each of his indignant, largely fabricated commentaries. “Sometimes I’ll focus in on a fleeting detail within a news story that can be completely blown out of proportion, and other times I’ll spew a sweeping torrent of bitter vitriol about the entire situation. Today, for example, I plan to rant about how we’re all morphing into poisonous zombies from the antibiotics administered to dairy cows by aliens—you know, deftly work in something alarmist about how the milk we drink is in fact white food coloring mixed with the tears of radioactive pandas—and tomorrow I might publish an enraged screed against something ultimately benign that I’ve dubbed ‘Big Fluoride.’ Or I might even dovetail these two latest sources of outrage into one large, shoddy conspiracy, if I can muster the offense. My readers might think that running a blog is easy, but it’s actually a complicated process that involves disposing of many facts and exercising a wide variety of fury.” The blogger added that he was thinking of hiring additional credible reporters by scanning the hyperbolic, uniformed comments left below his posts by equally irate readers.


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