adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

Blogger Takes Few Moments Every Morning To Decide Whether To Feel Outraged, Incensed, Or Shocked By Day’s News

SYRACUSE, NY—Explaining that the routine has simply become a regular part of his workday, local blogger Daniel Garner told reporters Monday that he sets aside a few moments each morning to decide whether to feel outraged, incensed, or completely shocked by the day’s news. “Every day I wake up, head online, take a quick glance at what’s happening in the world, blatantly disregard most of it, and then carefully consider what type of overblown and sensationalist reaction I’ll use to frame my next blog post for my readers,” said Garner, describing the difficulty he faces daily when choosing between sputtering exasperation or blind, impotent rage as the overarching tone for each of his indignant, largely fabricated commentaries. “Sometimes I’ll focus in on a fleeting detail within a news story that can be completely blown out of proportion, and other times I’ll spew a sweeping torrent of bitter vitriol about the entire situation. Today, for example, I plan to rant about how we’re all morphing into poisonous zombies from the antibiotics administered to dairy cows by aliens—you know, deftly work in something alarmist about how the milk we drink is in fact white food coloring mixed with the tears of radioactive pandas—and tomorrow I might publish an enraged screed against something ultimately benign that I’ve dubbed ‘Big Fluoride.’ Or I might even dovetail these two latest sources of outrage into one large, shoddy conspiracy, if I can muster the offense. My readers might think that running a blog is easy, but it’s actually a complicated process that involves disposing of many facts and exercising a wide variety of fury.” The blogger added that he was thinking of hiring additional credible reporters by scanning the hyperbolic, uniformed comments left below his posts by equally irate readers.


America’s dairy farmers and importers want to share the real facts about milk. Learn more here.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close