Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City

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Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City

NEW YORK—Drenched in drying blood and limping slightly, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg triumphantly stated this morning that the city’s longstanding homeless problem had finally been solved. “Homelessness is over—it’s not a problem anymore,” a winded Bloomberg said to a City Hall press conference while gripping the lectern tightly to prevent his hands from shaking. “I fixed the problem. Problem solved.” When asked by reporters if permanent housing had been provided for the city’s 50,000 homeless, Bloomberg assured them the new lodgings were quite permanent.

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