Blood-Spattered Suri Cruise Drags Dog Carcass To Mother’s Doorstep

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Blood-Spattered Suri Cruise Drags Dog Carcass To Mother’s Doorstep

'Suri Get Meat Now?'

NEW YORK—With blood dripping from her gritted teeth as she dragged the dead animal behind her, Suri Cruise reportedly deposited a mangled dog carcass on her mother’s doorstep Thursday and plaintively asked, “Suri get meat now?” “Suri share with Mommy, make present,” the 7-year-old said to her stunned mother, Katie Holmes, after lifting up the dead dog by the fur of its head and presenting it to her. “Suri hungers. Meat fresh. We feast now?” Reports indicate that a visibly emotional Holmes then tearfully gathered the child in her arms, brought her inside, and secured her back inside her cage.

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