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Blood...Blood Everywhere

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Blood...Blood Everywhere

DAVENPORT, IA—In what eyewitnesses described as some kind of terrible dream come true, a warm and viscous liquid identified only as blood…dear God, blood…spilled forth from every conceivable direction Monday.

According to sources still able to speak, the blood first appeared shortly before dawn, horrifying dozens of citizens stirred awake by its ceaseless dripping. While many details remain unclear, including why, why won't it stop and is that…are those…Jesus Christ look, the situation has by all accounts only worsened with time.

The blood.

"It's everywhere," said area resident Phillip Reynolds, who claimed he never knew such cold and unrelenting fear. "The blood is everywhere."

Accompanied by an odor at once familiar and yet strangely foreign, the blood has reportedly begun to flow from the walls, the floors, and, in several isolated incidents, has emerged from a child's sandbox. In addition, no, no, oh, no…what happened to all the lights?

"Please, get it off me," said grade-school teacher and mother of three Janice Wilkins, who appeared to be floundering in a crimson pool of unknown fluids. "It's in my hair. Oh, sweet Lord, it's in my mouth. Please."

The blood, which appears to flow as if from hell itself, is only one of a growing number of concerns for residents. Living city council members said that unless someone manages to extinguish that fire, and whatever it is that is down there stops multiplying, little else will matter once night falls.

Dozens of civilians have reported missing loved ones, and many more have been unable to contact friends and family members since all telephone lines are currently not functioning, either from overuse or the result of a power grid coated in human gristle. Furthermore... Brian—is that you? No, Brian, don't!

"Just make it go away, I beg you," said David Mitchell, who added that he and another passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. "I can't stand looking at it anymore. I just can't stand it. What have we done?"

According to what sounded like a passing loudspeaker, all men and women are being urged to remain calm, seek immediate shelter, avoid contact with all rodents or small dogs, and, under no circumstances, to answer their front door.

Before becoming unintelligible, the loudspeaker is also believed to have instructed all residents of faith and moral conviction to please begin praying.

Local residents look on in—oh, no, this can't be happening.

"I never thought it would end this way," said 43-year-old Charles Deere, one of countless eyewitnesses who now wish they were blind. "If only I had been among the first to go. One of the lucky ones."

"Added Deere: "Oh, God, here it comes again…"

Despite working closely with a number of law-enforcement agencies, emergency medical units, wastewater-management specialists, disease control centers, and several of the nation's leading cryptozoologists, authorities said they will not have any more information until some fresh batteries can be found, or that girl who burst screaming into the hospital emergency room late last night regains consciousness.

With hope reportedly fading, a number of citizens nonetheless remained optimistic, and insisted that help is—help has to be—on the way. In addition, the few residents still with heads claimed that this will all be over any minute now, and that very soon everything will be back to normal.

"They're coming to rescue us, I just know it," local nurse Teressa Harding said over the din of that terrible pounding noise as she sat with surviving neighbors in her attic. "It's only a matter of time. We're all going to be okay, I promise."

As of press time, the window, the window, the window—Jesus fucking Christ, what is that awful thing in the window?

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