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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Blood...Blood Everywhere

DAVENPORT, IA—In what eyewitnesses described as some kind of terrible dream come true, a warm and viscous liquid identified only as blood…dear God, blood…spilled forth from every conceivable direction Monday.

According to sources still able to speak, the blood first appeared shortly before dawn, horrifying dozens of citizens stirred awake by its ceaseless dripping. While many details remain unclear, including why, why won't it stop and is that…are those…Jesus Christ look, the situation has by all accounts only worsened with time.

The blood.

"It's everywhere," said area resident Phillip Reynolds, who claimed he never knew such cold and unrelenting fear. "The blood is everywhere."

Accompanied by an odor at once familiar and yet strangely foreign, the blood has reportedly begun to flow from the walls, the floors, and, in several isolated incidents, has emerged from a child's sandbox. In addition, no, no, oh, no…what happened to all the lights?

"Please, get it off me," said grade-school teacher and mother of three Janice Wilkins, who appeared to be floundering in a crimson pool of unknown fluids. "It's in my hair. Oh, sweet Lord, it's in my mouth. Please."

The blood, which appears to flow as if from hell itself, is only one of a growing number of concerns for residents. Living city council members said that unless someone manages to extinguish that fire, and whatever it is that is down there stops multiplying, little else will matter once night falls.

Dozens of civilians have reported missing loved ones, and many more have been unable to contact friends and family members since all telephone lines are currently not functioning, either from overuse or the result of a power grid coated in human gristle. Furthermore... Brian—is that you? No, Brian, don't!

"Just make it go away, I beg you," said David Mitchell, who added that he and another passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. "I can't stand looking at it anymore. I just can't stand it. What have we done?"

According to what sounded like a passing loudspeaker, all men and women are being urged to remain calm, seek immediate shelter, avoid contact with all rodents or small dogs, and, under no circumstances, to answer their front door.

Before becoming unintelligible, the loudspeaker is also believed to have instructed all residents of faith and moral conviction to please begin praying.

Local residents look on in—oh, no, this can't be happening.

"I never thought it would end this way," said 43-year-old Charles Deere, one of countless eyewitnesses who now wish they were blind. "If only I had been among the first to go. One of the lucky ones."

"Added Deere: "Oh, God, here it comes again…"

Despite working closely with a number of law-enforcement agencies, emergency medical units, wastewater-management specialists, disease control centers, and several of the nation's leading cryptozoologists, authorities said they will not have any more information until some fresh batteries can be found, or that girl who burst screaming into the hospital emergency room late last night regains consciousness.

With hope reportedly fading, a number of citizens nonetheless remained optimistic, and insisted that help is—help has to be—on the way. In addition, the few residents still with heads claimed that this will all be over any minute now, and that very soon everything will be back to normal.

"They're coming to rescue us, I just know it," local nurse Teressa Harding said over the din of that terrible pounding noise as she sat with surviving neighbors in her attic. "It's only a matter of time. We're all going to be okay, I promise."

As of press time, the window, the window, the window—Jesus fucking Christ, what is that awful thing in the window?

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