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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Bloodied, Bruised John Kerry Emerges Victorious At Kickboxing Tournament In Bangkok Prison

BANGKOK—Spitting out a broken tooth as his opponent lay motionless on the bare cement floor, a battered Secretary of State John Kerry emerged victorious Wednesday evening from an underground kickboxing tournament at Bangkok’s notorious Bang Kwang Central Prison, sources reported. “Any other takers?” said the sweat-drenched U.S. cabinet official in perfectly accented Thai, unwrapping the blood-soaked cloths from his hands and feet as spectators showered him in crumpled 20-, 50-, and 100-baht bills. “I certainly hope there’s someone else out there who’s better at muay thai than that last fellow. I was under the impression they took their kickboxing seriously in these parts.” When no one else stepped forward to square off against him, Kerry departed, and was reportedly seen socializing at a black-tie diplomatic gala at the American embassy 90 minutes later.

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