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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

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John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

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MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown

BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN—The masterminds behind the bloodless coup d'etat that wrested power from President Askar Akayev Sunday said they were disappointed by the peaceful, efficient execution of the regime change.

Nyboyev tells disappointed revolutionaries that the battle for control of Kyrgyzstan is already over.

"We spent months singing songs about the streets running red with the blood of our oppressors," said Ramazan Nyboyev, supreme leader of the New Dawning party and new president of Kyrgyzstan. "Now I'm standing here with the capital city under my thumb, and I didn't even get to fire my gun."

"Some of the younger guerrillas were running the Russian consul's china through a clay-pigeon launcher. But why shoot perfectly good china?" Nyboyev added.

The transfer of power, which ended Kyrgyzstan's 14-year experiment with democracy, was completed in fewer than four hours.

"I was going to lay siege to the lower house of parliament and bomb the president's mansion," Nyboyev said. "But by the time I got up the parliament steps, the delegates had rescinded their titles and sworn their 'everlasting allegiance to the New Dawn.' And why bomb the mansion when the president has left the keys hanging in the door next to a note about the thermostat?"

According to Nyboyev, the coup produced "not a single martyr."

"Who am I supposed to put on the money?" Nyboyev asked. "That soldier who cut himself on his own bayonet? This day was supposed to create heroes for our history books. Now the only way for us to earn the people's respect is to repair the nation's infrastructure."

Added Nyboyev: "Ambush isn't supposed to be like this."

The New Dawning party was formed in 2003, when 14 high-ranking military officials united to overthrow the Akayev administration, a hotbed of corruption, embezzlement, and negligence.

"We planned in secret, biding our time until the day we would storm the capital and crush our adversaries," said New Dawning undersecretary Kurmanek Dutbeyev, who, prior to the coup, warned his family that he was unlikely to survive the "historic day of bloodshed." "I imagined it all a thousand times: the coordinated assault, the rooftop gun battles, the face-to-face brutality—and then nothing. Come the big day, I didn't slit a single throat."

Weapons the revolutionaries never even got a chance to use.

Added Dutbeyev: "We were prepared for casualties—even mass casualties—but no casualties at all? We had no plan in place for that."

The Kyrgyzstani military, one of the most formidable in the region when under Soviet control, did not resist the coup.

"We spent months coming up with an offensive to neutralize the Elite Guard," Nyboyev said. "But when we ordered them to throw their weapons to the ground, they actually threw their weapons to the ground."

Government financial records, made public after the coup, might explain the ready surrender: Even high-ranking administration and military officials had not been paid for months.

"The treasury was empty," Nyboyev said. "The president himself seemed happy to wash his hands of Kyrgyzstan."

Members of the New Dawning party said that, in planning to overthrow the government, they focused on the coup itself, giving little thought to how they would run a nation of five million.

"Our men were expertly trained in poisoning, garroting, and sniping," Nyboyev said. "Now we are 14 deadly revolutionaries in a room, trying to figure out who will be minister of transportation. Earlier today, the military leaders came to us and demanded pay. They were a lot more vicious than they were when they were defending their former bosses."

The international media has largely ignored the coup.

"We thought we would draw the world's attention to our nation's plight and its liberators' bravery," Nyboyev said. "But who cares about 'Eurasian Country Changes Hands; No One Hurt'? The story, like our hopes, got buried."

Nyboyev said he was relieved that the foreign press did not seize upon the party's slogan, which the radicals had printed on posters, buttons, and pamphlets in preparation for their ascendance to power: "When they failed to bow to the people's will, they fell beneath our swords."

"We had to throw all those out," Nyboyev said. "They're just embarrassing now."

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