Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School. “It was such an honor to have Bo Obama encouraging these fresh-faced young pups to seize their future and sit, stay, or heel as instructed,” said Dayton Obedience School administrator Hannah Muley, noting that the former first dog was the school’s most notable speaker since Moose from Frasier addressed graduates in 1998. “It was incredible to hear Bo’s stories about his time in Washington and how the impulse control skills that he learned at our institution helped him overcome the adversity he faced at the White House. Here was living proof that no goal is out of reach if you’re a good dog, such a good dog.” The speech was not welcomed by all, however, as several of the graduating canines reportedly walked out in protest due to Bo’s controversial stance on neutering.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.