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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Boarding School Student Receives Wet William

DEERFIELD, MA—Deerfield Academy first-year Foster R. Poole III told reporters Monday that he had received yet another Wet William from a group of upperclassmen who reportedly torment the 14-year-old private school student relentlessly. "If they're not administering a painful Charles Horse to my thigh, then they're manhandling my scalp with a series of rough Baron Von Noogingtons," Poole said while drying his ear with a monogrammed handkerchief. "And just last week those ruffians forced my head into a lavatory toilet and gave me the Aqua Coriolis of a lifetime. Simply outrageous behavior." Poole said he plans to try out for the coxswain position on the academy's varsity crew team, a gambit for increased popularity he hopes will curtail the painful Wedgewoods he often receives while changing in the gymnasium locker room.

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