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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Boardwalk Con Men Hit Hard By Sharp Decrease In Chumps

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—According to a survey of confidence men released Tuesday, limited economic growth in the United States has led to a severe decline in the number of chumps, marks, and suckers ripe for the picking on the boardwalk. "A stagnant economy like this, I can't get no one interested in the same old grift," local sharpie Johnny Three-Cards said between unsuccessful attempts to hustle passersby into a pigeon drop. "On a good day, I reel in two, maybe three, patsies, tops. I honestly ain't had a halfway decent swindle since that busload of rubes was up here from Nashville in June." The survey also suggested that unless the economy soon showed signs of generating the disposable income required to sustain their flimflams, the whole lot of 'em was going to pull up stakes and take it down to Florida, where the chumps are a dime a dozen.

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