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Sports

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Bob Costas About 2 Seconds Away From Comparing Badminton Scandal To 1919 Black Sox

LONDON—Speaking in measured, purposeful tones, NBC Olympic sportscaster Bob Costas is at this moment very close to comparing the current badminton match-fixing controversy to the 1919 Black Sox scandal, sources have confirmed. “As sports fans, we’ve come to expect greatness from our heroes, and the present badminton scandal reminds me of how, at times, those heroes can fail us, and fall short of our expectations,” said Costas, his unbreaking gaze fixed directly on the camera. “Why do we watch sports? Why are we drawn to the sights, the smells, the larger-than-life personalities? The sound of the hot dog vendor, the crack of the bat, the call of ‘strike three’ after an Eddie Cicotte knuckleball has sailed into the catcher’s mitt, a perfectly hit shuttlecock, the roar of the crowd at old Comiskey Park. We cherish our athletes. In some sense we hold them to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. They become the measuring stick for all we strive to be. They play, not on some sandlot on the outskirts of Chicago or some backyard badminton court in Beijing, but in cathedrals built in their honor. Cathedrals where they stand at the altar of greatness while we look up to them and say, ‘Show us. Show us the grace and poise and raw talent it takes to track down a shot to left center or perform a backhand net kill.’ However, sports isn’t just about poetry in motion, or the physical ballet of jump shots, double plays, and forehand smashes. It’s about our heroes serving as torchbearers—no pun intended—not only for the sport they represent, but for the fans who look up to them. Lou Gehrig, Bill Russell, Bobby Orr, Casey Stengel, Walter Payton, Wayne Gretzky, Jim Thorpe, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Han Jian, Larry Bird, Jackie Robinson, Sandy Koufax, Rod Laver, Joe Lewis, Roy Campanella, Roberto Clemente, Arthur Ashe, Zhao Jianhua, and Muhammad Ali—people who played their respective games with integrity. The unfortunate events that took place here in London are an example of what happens when our heroes falter and break our hearts. Imagine the face of the 10-year-old badminton player who just realized that everything he’s come to believe in isn’t true—that his heroes are just people, people who aren’t perfect, who disappoint, who don’t always live up to our ideals.” At press time, Costas continued to speak.

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