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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Bob Costas: Dogfights At Vick's House 'Some Of The Best Dogfights I Have Ever Seen'

ATLANTA—While controversy continues regarding Michael Vick's possible involvement in dogfights held at a Smithfield, GA property owned by the quarterback, NBC sportscaster Bob Costas has made his opinion of the events known, saying the dog-fighting in question was some of the best he had ever personally witnessed. "Truly high-caliber dog-fighting has nearly become extinct in this country, and it's becoming unusual to see the kind of devotion to the sport that was displayed at Vick's pit," Costas said Monday. "I mean, the pit he owned. He may not have actually been at the extremely riveting, thrill-a-minute canine fights to the death that it was my pleasure—no, my great privilege—to attend." Costas has often criticized the recent decline in quality of the illegal death sport, saying dog-fighting has become "shameless in its pandering to the worst echelon of sports fanhood" and "has sunk nearly as low as boxing."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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