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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Bob Costas Spontaneously Eulogizing At Sean Taylor's Funeral

MIAMI—Sportscaster Bob Costas interrupted the scripture reading at the funeral of slain Washington Redskins player Sean Taylor Monday, elbowing Pastor Antowyn Mells away from the podium, seizing the microphone, and then speaking at length in obscure sports references while extemporaneously eulogizing the Pro Bowl safety. "Looking across the sea of faces that have been brought together to honor a great man and a great athlete, I can see a range of emotions from sadness, to anger, to outrage," Costas told a stunned and confused crowd of thousands mourners. "Sadly, Sean Taylor was taken before his time, much as my beloved Mickey Mantle, Pancho Herrera, and Pumpsie Green… I am just as shocked and dismayed as anyone at how my mom could throw away those baseball cards." According to sources attending the memorial, Costas never mentioned Taylor after his initial comments, but did spend 45 minutes fondly recalling the men's 20-kilometer biathlon at the 1994 Winter Olympics at Lillehammer.

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