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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Bob Costas Spontaneously Eulogizing At Sean Taylor's Funeral

MIAMI—Sportscaster Bob Costas interrupted the scripture reading at the funeral of slain Washington Redskins player Sean Taylor Monday, elbowing Pastor Antowyn Mells away from the podium, seizing the microphone, and then speaking at length in obscure sports references while extemporaneously eulogizing the Pro Bowl safety. "Looking across the sea of faces that have been brought together to honor a great man and a great athlete, I can see a range of emotions from sadness, to anger, to outrage," Costas told a stunned and confused crowd of thousands mourners. "Sadly, Sean Taylor was taken before his time, much as my beloved Mickey Mantle, Pancho Herrera, and Pumpsie Green… I am just as shocked and dismayed as anyone at how my mom could throw away those baseball cards." According to sources attending the memorial, Costas never mentioned Taylor after his initial comments, but did spend 45 minutes fondly recalling the men's 20-kilometer biathlon at the 1994 Winter Olympics at Lillehammer.

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