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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Bob Costas Spontaneously Eulogizing At Sean Taylor's Funeral

MIAMI—Sportscaster Bob Costas interrupted the scripture reading at the funeral of slain Washington Redskins player Sean Taylor Monday, elbowing Pastor Antowyn Mells away from the podium, seizing the microphone, and then speaking at length in obscure sports references while extemporaneously eulogizing the Pro Bowl safety. "Looking across the sea of faces that have been brought together to honor a great man and a great athlete, I can see a range of emotions from sadness, to anger, to outrage," Costas told a stunned and confused crowd of thousands mourners. "Sadly, Sean Taylor was taken before his time, much as my beloved Mickey Mantle, Pancho Herrera, and Pumpsie Green… I am just as shocked and dismayed as anyone at how my mom could throw away those baseball cards." According to sources attending the memorial, Costas never mentioned Taylor after his initial comments, but did spend 45 minutes fondly recalling the men's 20-kilometer biathlon at the 1994 Winter Olympics at Lillehammer.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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