Bob Dole Demands Preemptive Recount

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Vol 30 Issue 09

Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs.

Voter Apathy

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?

Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda think she all that," said Tamika Wilson, 22, a one-time friend of Lewis'. "Well, I got news for you—she ain't." According to Wilson, Lewis "be all like, 'I'm Miss Thang,'" when, in fact, "None of the brothers around the way want a piece of that coochie." President Clinton declined comment on the situation.

Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming months. "I am going to watch a hell of a lot of TV," announced the unemployed Barcynski, who served with the 57th Division in the Gulf War, earning two Silver Medals of Distinction. "The Price is Right, One Life to Live, Seinfeld, Cybill, ER—those are just some of the many, many shows I am going to watch." Barcynski added that among the new fall shows, Mr. Rhodes and Party Girl are his favorites, though he stressed that he would watch all the others as well, even those he dislikes. Added Barcynski, "You have no idea how much freaking TV I am going to watch."

Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled Sunday by the appearance of an ocelot. "Oh, dear," said Lady Wolford-Bingham, whose father, Lord William Alfred Shropshire-Wolford, was a third cousin of Winston Churchill's. "There appears to be an ocelot at my tea party." In addition to "badly scratching" Lady Catherine Norwich Baker Putnam-Howe, the angry ocelot overturned a number of tables and broke an expensive vase.

Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. "I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves," Tanner said. "I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted." According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire's only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. "Perot said that if I told anyone, I'd lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever," Tanner said. "He also told me that it's time the American people had a government that worked for them."

Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

BEIJING, CHINA—The people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty that will establish close relations between the two civilizations.

Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from tannin' his hide but good!

I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice Arena in June 1977!
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

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Energy

Bob Dole Demands Preemptive Recount

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—During a campaign swing through lower Texas Monday, Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole demanded a recount of the upcoming 1996 presidential election.

"Bob Dole isn't going to take defeat sitting down," Dole told a crowd of Republican supporters, vowing to personally recount all the ballots himself if necessary. "He's going to count those ballots. He's going to count every last one of them with his bare hands."

Added Dole: "Bob Dole is going to be the next President of the United States!"

The 73-year-old Dole, trailing Clinton in most polls by about 15 points, repeated the new, recount-themed message later that day during a speech at a $500-a-plate fundraiser barbeque. He is expected to continue the strategy as he campaigns in Georgia and Florida this week.

Said Dole campaign manager James Weirer: "Mr. Dole feels it is possible that Bill Clinton's inevitable victory in this election may be the result of a vote-counting error. And Bob Dole is the sort of tireless champion of the people who will not let that kind of a possibility go uninvestigated."

New Dole campaign posters have been printed up with the phrase, "Recount 'Em!" emblazoned across a photo of Dole giving the thumbs-up sign.

A series of recount-themed TV ads will hit also airwaves across the nation in late October. The ads depict electoral college computers counting ballots and making counting errors. The grainy, black-and-white presentation is accompanied by eerie music as an announcer says, "When you vote, how do you know your vote is being counted properly? Wouldn't you be happier to know that Bob Dole himself is counting—and recounting—every single ballot?"

In a memo released by his campaign managers yesterday, Dole outlined the specifics of his recount plan, which entails the following: one full-scale recount as soon as Bill Clinton is declared the winner of the general election; two recounts if Clinton is verified as the winner upon the first recount; and then a third recount if Clinton is verified as the winner upon the first two recounts.

"Bob Dole is not a quitter," Dole said. "Just because Clinton is going to win this election does not mean Bob Dole is not going to win this election."

Dole stressed that unlike his opponent, he has been running for public office since the early '50s, instilling in him a deep, longtime love of votes. "If a ballot says 'Bob Dole' on it, Bob Dole's going to treasure it. He's going to caress the ballot and hold it very close to his breast. Bob Dole may even shed a tear for the ballot," Dole said. "Then he's going to count it and move on to the next one."

Dole also revealed that he will, win or lose, dive head first into a huge pile of ballots marked "Bob Dole."

Dole said that during the recounting process, he will continue to accept votes from the American people. "Send them on postcards, letters or telegrams," Dole said. "When I receive enough post-election votes to defeat Clinton, I will take my rightful place in the Oval Office."

After the third unsuccessful recount—and the subsequent addition of any post-election votes, which are also expected to fail to bring his vote count above Clinton's—Dole plans simply to move into the White House with his family and begin performing the duties of the President.

"Come November 5, win or lose, Bob Dole is going to be the next President of the United States!" Dole said.

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