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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Bob Dole For Windows to Replace Bob Dole 4.0

WASHINGTON, DC—Computer users are eagerly anticipating the new updated version of Bob Dole due in stores next week. Bob Dole for Windows, priced at $94.99, will boast many improvements over the previous model, including true multitasking, protected memory space and a redesigned user interface. “Bob Dole For Windows will be the easiest-to-use version of Bob Dole ever,” said Larry Tavers, head of the Dole programming team. “You’ll never use Bob Dole 4.0 or DoleOS again.” Bob Dole For Windows is compatible with all other 73-year-old, Kansas-based Republican operating systems.

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