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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Bob Dole Makes Car and Driver 10 Best List

NEW YORK—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole joined Jeep Cherokee, Ford Taurus and Cadillac Seville on Car and Driver’s 10 Best American Automobiles list yesterday. “When it comes to performance, style and even off-road handling, Bob Dole is a superb automobile,” Car and Driver editor Gary Yancy said at the list’s unveiling. “Rack and pinion steering, anti-lock brakes, and a passenger-side airbag all come standard in Dole, not to mention the best shift-on-the-fly four-wheel system on the market.” Reaction from the Dole office was swift, especially on the heels of such negative campaign events as a recent terrorist bombing of his outer hull, having a child trapped in his internal gears, and being chased and almost captured by a torch-carrying mob. “Bob Dole is the best example of American automotive ingenuity on the market,” Dole said. “Bob Dole is going to be the next President of the United States.”

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