Bob Dole Makes Car and Driver 10 Best List

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Vol 29 Issue 16

Ask A Navy SEAL

Dear Navy SEAL,My boyfriend, who I love very much, was laid off from his job a few weeks back.

Deforestation Complete

Global deforestation, the environmental disaster forewarned by eco-radicals since as far back as 1980, has finally and irreversibly arrived, spokespersons from Worldwide PulpCo announced Monday.

Dog People, Cat People

CASTSTEVE, a lean, handsome man in his early 30s who works as a loan officer.MELANIE, a petite, cute woman in her late 20s who works as a bank teller.PETER, the president of Consolidated ...

Uptight Matron Enjoys Handful of Pills

SCOTSDALE, AZ—Georgette McHue, a Scotsdale-area uptight matron, enjoyed a handful of colorful pills yesterday, swallowing them down after dinner with a glass of water.
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RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Bob Dole Makes Car and Driver 10 Best List

NEW YORK—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole joined Jeep Cherokee, Ford Taurus and Cadillac Seville on Car and Driver’s 10 Best American Automobiles list yesterday. “When it comes to performance, style and even off-road handling, Bob Dole is a superb automobile,” Car and Driver editor Gary Yancy said at the list’s unveiling. “Rack and pinion steering, anti-lock brakes, and a passenger-side airbag all come standard in Dole, not to mention the best shift-on-the-fly four-wheel system on the market.” Reaction from the Dole office was swift, especially on the heels of such negative campaign events as a recent terrorist bombing of his outer hull, having a child trapped in his internal gears, and being chased and almost captured by a torch-carrying mob. “Bob Dole is the best example of American automotive ingenuity on the market,” Dole said. “Bob Dole is going to be the next President of the United States.”

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