Bob Dole Released Back Into Wild

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Vol 30 Issue 17

Area Male Extroverted

PHILADELPHIA—At any given moment, Randy Grebcyk might initiate a conversation with a total stranger.

Barbra Streisand To Take Rare Public Dump

LOS ANGELES—Barbra Streisand fans worldwide are clamoring for tickets to the singer's first public defecation since her sold-out Carnegie Hall dump in 1975. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime event," said rabid Streisand fan Elaine Waldman, 43. "To see Barbara evacuate her bowels and wipe her ass live is something I wouldn't miss for anything in the world. It's truly an event." The 15,000 $250 tickets for "Barbra: It's Time To Go" sold out in less than half an hour, and scalpers are now asking up to $4,000 for prime seats. In addition to the live audience, the dump will be carried on pay-per-view television. An HBO special on the making of the dump is also in the works.

All U.S. Males Renamed Dudley

WASHINGTON, DC—An emergency session of Congress rushed into passage Monday legislation changing the first names of all American males to Dudley. "Dudley is a great name," said House Majority Leader Dudley Gingrich, explaining the move. President Dudley Clinton signed the bill late Monday night. "Though I felt that Otto was a better choice for a new name, I am satisfied with the compromise that has been reached," Clinton said. The only males who will not be named Dudley are those who already had the name. Those males will be re-named Ira.

Goodyear Unveils New, Circular Tires

AKRON, OH—The Goodyear rubber company unveiled a brand new, perfectly round tire Monday, one that it says will replace all its earlier models of oval-shaped tires. "Market research showed that consumers prefer fuel economy and driver control over the comical, boingy-boingy motion of a car on oval tires," said Goodyear representative Arthur Campau. Consumers are cautioned to store the new tires flat against the floor, as they can roll away when standing upright.

Bangladesh Runs Out Of People

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—A devastating typhoon claimed the lives of the final 290,000 people in Bangladesh Tuesday, reducing the Southeast Asian nation's population to zero. "After countless natural disasters, we have finally run out of people," said Bangladesh President Abdur Biswas, who was abroad at the time. "I am not surprised: It was bound to happen sooner or later. A country can only have so many floods, hurricanes, tidal waves, typhoons, monsoons and earthquakes before it runs out of people." The government of India has rushed to its neighbor's aid, filling Bangladesh's population deficit with millions of its own citizens in time for the coming mudslide season.

Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

WILMINGTON, NC—n a rare case of violence-powered time travel, Wilmington resident Phil Zipper was smacked into this week by a forceful blow delivered by his wife during a Nov. 29 fight. "Wow, I thought she was just talking colorfully," Zipper said moments after materializing in a burst of swirling colored light at the intersection of 18th and Main, just three blocks from the site of last week's smack. Zipper, who has been dubbed "The Man From Last Week," added: "I have so much to learn about your strange world. So much has changed since my time. Is orange juice still on sale at ShopKo? Did the Bulls win Sunday? Have hatred and prejudice finally been eradicated?"

I Fear Grass

Oh, infernal grass, how your greenness haunts me! You camouflage the most diseased of vermin—insects, rodents and children scamper freely in your expansive forests of grotesque greenery we call yards.

It's Not A Crack House, It's A Crack Home

I'll bet a day doesn't go by that I don't hear something negative about crack cocaine, and the people who love it. Well, it just so happens that, despite all the mudslinging you may have read in the magazines, there are plenty of decent, hardworking crack lovers, just like in any other "walk of life."
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Bob Dole Released Back Into Wild

RUSSELL, KS—After completing a distinguished career in politics spanning nearly 50 years, former Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole was re-released into his native prairie habitat Sunday.

Bob Dole

Walking westward into a glorious Midwestern dusk, the long-time Kansas senator, escorted by Martin Hunt, a wildlife conservationist with the U.S. Parks Department, flapped his way to the edge of Murray State Forest three miles outside Russell. Hunt then let go of Dole's hand, and the former Senate Majority Leader squawked jubilantly for several minutes before waving goodbye to his woman, Elizabeth, and a throng of teary-eyed well-wishers, disappearing into the thick spruce woods.

"This is a bittersweet occasion," fellow senator Nancy Kassebaum (R-KS) told the crowd at a pre-release ceremony. "We are all going to miss Bob Dole. In many ways, he's become part of our national family. But this is the right thing to do, and we are happy that, after a lifetime of public service, he will finally have the chance to roam the open fields and graze the sunlit plains of our beautiful state, and retake his rightful place in the circle of life."

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), a long-time friend of Dole's, was also at the ceremony. McCain explained that this past October, when it became clear that Dole was not going to win the White House, several members of the campaign team were asked by friends of Dole to focus less on winning the presidency, and more on lovingly re-familiarizing him with his instinctive feeding, rutting and migratory habits—habits Dole had to abandon when he was first captured and cruelly forced to run for Alderman of Russell in 1949.

"It wasn't easy for us," said McCain. "And it wasn't fair to him. In captivity, he had become exactly what society had trained him to be—an efficient, well-respected legislator with keen negotiating instincts. And all along, we conditioned him to pursue the presidency as aggressively as his counterparts in the grasslands would pursue the boll weevil or prairie dog. And then to be betrayed, to have that long-hunted goal taken from him so cruelly by society, particularly by the soccer-mom demographic... is that fair?" McCain trailed off, visibly shaken.

Moments after being re-released into his native Kansas prairie, Bob Dole cautiously approaches a butterfly. Dole roamed free in such habitats until 1949, when he was cruelly captured and forced to run for Alderman of Russell, KS.

McCain, Hunt and other Republican naturalists were able to provide a successful two-month transition period for Dole, featuring leashed jaunts, an increasingly wheat-based diet and the non-stop "96 Hours To Victory" tour that concluded his campaign—a tour that McCain now admits was designed primarily to "re-adjust the internal biorhythms of Dole, who is by nature a largely noctural creature."

Though popular with the media for his frolicsome disposition, Dole was widely—and mistakenly—viewed by the public as an indigenous creature of Washington. Many also expressed distaste for his frequently vicious attacks, both on President Clinton's character and assorted large chunks of meat. McCain attributed this perception to "incompetence" on the part of Dole's advisors, whom he believes "utterly failed to educate America that Dole was only playing when he was being feisty... Bob Dole is a very, very friendly type."

Regardless, no trace of viciousness was visible during Sunday's release. Dole, 73 (the equivalent of 52), appeared thoughtful and proud as he sat obediently on the platform during the ceremony, at one point amiably lapping the hand of Republican Party Chairman Haley Barbour. Asked about his feelings, a wide-eyed Dole jumped up and down, then indicated his readiness by adopting a noble, eagle-like pose and looking stoically out at the dense evergreens.

Dole vanished into the woods wearing his favorite charcoal-gray suit and black loafers. Elizabeth said that he would in all likelihood keep the suit on until he feels sufficiently acclimated to the cold and his thick outer fur comes in.

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