adBlockCheck

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts over the past several days proved unsuccessful.

The former Kansas senator ran aground in a mire of thick sand in a shallow bend of the river Friday, soon after departing a potluck fundraiser in nearby Independence, MO. Campaign workers blame the accident on a faulty blade in Dole’s twin-engine outboard motor, which has reportedly experienced similar ensnarements in outcroppings of mud and other sediments.

“Bob Dole needs your help. Bob Dole requires your assistance in getting Bob Dole off this sandbar,” the candidate repeatedly called to his far-off handlers, who yesterday evening continued to debate the best way to extricate Dole from his sandy prison. “Bob Dole is badly stuck in this mud and unable to get free. Bob Dole is going to be the next president of the United States!”

Rescue workers were sent Thursday to remove Dole from the mud, but his blade had sunk so far into the sediment that both chains and simple manpower proved inadequate. A dredger was brought up from St. Louis Friday, but was too large and cumbersome to perform effectively in the shallow waters, its heavy chains too far out of the reach of Dole’s famous Extendo-Grip Super Action Arm™.

“We considered separating Dole from the motor and just leaving it there, but try explaining to our fundraisers why we scuttled a $250,000 component,” Dole campaign manager and chief mechanic Buddy Faust said. “True, we could dismantle Dole to minimize the risk of structural trauma, but it would take a full month to reconstruct him, and he has a stump speech on Wednesday in Pittsburgh.”

The Clinton campaign was critical of Dole’s handlers for letting their candidate be used as a means of transportation.

“First they said they were going to limit his use to presidential campaigning and metal cutting,” Clinton campaign official Trent Pauls said. “Then they added threshing, cement mixing, and soda vending. Now apparently he’s the Mississippi Queen. Bob Dole can’t be all things to all people. When is this gentleman going to finally get down to the business of serious presidential campaigning, address the issues that concern Americans and stop permitting rogue cardsharks and ladies of ill repute to board him?”

Dole remains in fair condition, as large quantities of CastrolMarine are being airlifted to him to ensure that his ball-bearings and pistons remain at adequate viscosity in the hot June sun. Dole himself insists his spirits are good, though sources close to him claim he feels isolated and lonely, and routinely sighs at the memory of the Happy Doodle Goodtime Six, the ragtime band that performed on him during the rally in Independence.

“Bob Dole is as effective an amphibious vehicle as ever,” Dole shouted to reporters.

“Bob Dole fought in the Big One, so Bob Dole knows what it’s like to be in a tough corner. Bob Dole’s built ram tough. Vote for Bob Dole this November. Just as soon as Bob Dole gets off this sandbar, Bob Dole is going to be the next president of the United States.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close