adBlockCheck

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts over the past several days proved unsuccessful.

The former Kansas senator ran aground in a mire of thick sand in a shallow bend of the river Friday, soon after departing a potluck fundraiser in nearby Independence, MO. Campaign workers blame the accident on a faulty blade in Dole’s twin-engine outboard motor, which has reportedly experienced similar ensnarements in outcroppings of mud and other sediments.

“Bob Dole needs your help. Bob Dole requires your assistance in getting Bob Dole off this sandbar,” the candidate repeatedly called to his far-off handlers, who yesterday evening continued to debate the best way to extricate Dole from his sandy prison. “Bob Dole is badly stuck in this mud and unable to get free. Bob Dole is going to be the next president of the United States!”

Rescue workers were sent Thursday to remove Dole from the mud, but his blade had sunk so far into the sediment that both chains and simple manpower proved inadequate. A dredger was brought up from St. Louis Friday, but was too large and cumbersome to perform effectively in the shallow waters, its heavy chains too far out of the reach of Dole’s famous Extendo-Grip Super Action Arm™.

“We considered separating Dole from the motor and just leaving it there, but try explaining to our fundraisers why we scuttled a $250,000 component,” Dole campaign manager and chief mechanic Buddy Faust said. “True, we could dismantle Dole to minimize the risk of structural trauma, but it would take a full month to reconstruct him, and he has a stump speech on Wednesday in Pittsburgh.”

The Clinton campaign was critical of Dole’s handlers for letting their candidate be used as a means of transportation.

“First they said they were going to limit his use to presidential campaigning and metal cutting,” Clinton campaign official Trent Pauls said. “Then they added threshing, cement mixing, and soda vending. Now apparently he’s the Mississippi Queen. Bob Dole can’t be all things to all people. When is this gentleman going to finally get down to the business of serious presidential campaigning, address the issues that concern Americans and stop permitting rogue cardsharks and ladies of ill repute to board him?”

Dole remains in fair condition, as large quantities of CastrolMarine are being airlifted to him to ensure that his ball-bearings and pistons remain at adequate viscosity in the hot June sun. Dole himself insists his spirits are good, though sources close to him claim he feels isolated and lonely, and routinely sighs at the memory of the Happy Doodle Goodtime Six, the ragtime band that performed on him during the rally in Independence.

“Bob Dole is as effective an amphibious vehicle as ever,” Dole shouted to reporters.

“Bob Dole fought in the Big One, so Bob Dole knows what it’s like to be in a tough corner. Bob Dole’s built ram tough. Vote for Bob Dole this November. Just as soon as Bob Dole gets off this sandbar, Bob Dole is going to be the next president of the United States.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close