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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Bob Dole To Build 'Trench To 19th Century'

RUSSELL, KS—In a bold refusal to face the challenges of life in the next millennium, former Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole announced plans Monday to build "A Trench To The 19th Century." The trench, which will begin in the 73-year-old former Senator's backyard, will be dug with a common dirt shovel. "There are many new technologies, many exciting opportunities that await us in the next century," Dole told reporters at a backyard press conference. "And I will be digging a trench away from that progress, back into the 19th century." Dole added that he will not be leading the American people down this trench. "I will go alone," he said.

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