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Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Healthy Living

Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven

HEAVEN—Recently deceased entertainer Bob Hope announced Monday that he was happy to be reunited with the millions of U.S. troops currently stationed in Paradise, many of whom he entertained during his 50-year career. "It sure brings a smile to my face to see all you proud men and women in uniform," Hope said. "Let's hope the food is better here than it was in the mess tent." Turning to the Pearly Gates, Hope gave a thumbs-up to a soldier killed Monday in a guerrilla attack 20 miles west of Baghdad.

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