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Bob Knight Tells Reporters He Wants You Dead

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How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Bob Knight Tells Reporters He Wants You Dead

LUBBOCK, TX—Temperamental Red Raiders basketball coach Bob Knight, whose violent outbursts have often overshadowed his teams' accomplishments, is at the center of controversy after announcing at a press conference Tuesday that he wants you dead. "Dead, do you hear me?" Knight said to reporters who asked for clarification. "Dead dead dead. I don't care how. But I said dead and I meant dead… I said the name loud enough, didn't I? Well, I want that person to die. And you too, you damn parasite." The Texas Tech athletic department issued a statement to you later that day claiming that Knight, whose Red Raiders are off to an underwhelming 6-4 start, "felt he needs to shake things up a bit"; that the coach "has never ruled out murdering his players alongside you if their attitude does not improve"; and that you are "no better than a dead man" if the notoriously fanatic Red Raider booster club was told of Knight's statement. Lubbock police officers likewise warn you to flee and regret their inability to protect you, as they are currently engaged in the search for Knight's son and assistant coach, Pat Knight, who was last seen alive with his father during Texas Tech's 68-53 loss to Louisiana Tech last Wednesday.

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