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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bob Knight Tells Reporters He Wants You Dead

LUBBOCK, TX—Temperamental Red Raiders basketball coach Bob Knight, whose violent outbursts have often overshadowed his teams' accomplishments, is at the center of controversy after announcing at a press conference Tuesday that he wants you dead. "Dead, do you hear me?" Knight said to reporters who asked for clarification. "Dead dead dead. I don't care how. But I said dead and I meant dead… I said the name loud enough, didn't I? Well, I want that person to die. And you too, you damn parasite." The Texas Tech athletic department issued a statement to you later that day claiming that Knight, whose Red Raiders are off to an underwhelming 6-4 start, "felt he needs to shake things up a bit"; that the coach "has never ruled out murdering his players alongside you if their attitude does not improve"; and that you are "no better than a dead man" if the notoriously fanatic Red Raider booster club was told of Knight's statement. Lubbock police officers likewise warn you to flee and regret their inability to protect you, as they are currently engaged in the search for Knight's son and assistant coach, Pat Knight, who was last seen alive with his father during Texas Tech's 68-53 loss to Louisiana Tech last Wednesday.

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