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Bob Knight Tells Reporters He Wants You Dead

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Bob Knight Tells Reporters He Wants You Dead

LUBBOCK, TX—Temperamental Red Raiders basketball coach Bob Knight, whose violent outbursts have often overshadowed his teams' accomplishments, is at the center of controversy after announcing at a press conference Tuesday that he wants you dead. "Dead, do you hear me?" Knight said to reporters who asked for clarification. "Dead dead dead. I don't care how. But I said dead and I meant dead… I said the name loud enough, didn't I? Well, I want that person to die. And you too, you damn parasite." The Texas Tech athletic department issued a statement to you later that day claiming that Knight, whose Red Raiders are off to an underwhelming 6-4 start, "felt he needs to shake things up a bit"; that the coach "has never ruled out murdering his players alongside you if their attitude does not improve"; and that you are "no better than a dead man" if the notoriously fanatic Red Raider booster club was told of Knight's statement. Lubbock police officers likewise warn you to flee and regret their inability to protect you, as they are currently engaged in the search for Knight's son and assistant coach, Pat Knight, who was last seen alive with his father during Texas Tech's 68-53 loss to Louisiana Tech last Wednesday.

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