BEAVERTON, OR—Promising to revolutionize the way athletes gorge, Nike introduced a new line of sauce-wicking apparel for competitive eating Thursday.
LUBBOCK, TXTemperamental Red Raiders basketball coach Bob Knight, whose violent outbursts have often overshadowed his teams' accomplishments, is at the center of controversy after announcing at a press conference Tuesday that he wants you dead. "Dead, do you hear me?" Knight said to reporters who asked for clarification. "Dead dead dead. I don't care how. But I said dead and I meant dead… I said the name loud enough, didn't I? Well, I want that person to die. And you too, you damn parasite." The Texas Tech athletic department issued a statement to you later that day claiming that Knight, whose Red Raiders are off to an underwhelming 6-4 start, "felt he needs to shake things up a bit"; that the coach "has never ruled out murdering his players alongside you if their attitude does not improve"; and that you are "no better than a dead man" if the notoriously fanatic Red Raider booster club was told of Knight's statement. Lubbock police officers likewise warn you to flee and regret their inability to protect you, as they are currently engaged in the search for Knight's son and assistant coach, Pat Knight, who was last seen alive with his father during Texas Tech's 68-53 loss to Louisiana Tech last Wednesday.