adBlockCheck

Bob Woodward Gets New Job

Top Headlines

Recent News

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bob Woodward Gets New Job

Renowned investigative journalist Bob Woodward at his new job.
Renowned investigative journalist Bob Woodward at his new job.

BELLEVUE, WA—Following yesterday’s announcement that Amazon.com founder Jeffrey Bezos would be purchasing daily newspaper The Washington Post, sources confirmed today that Post associate editor and legendary investigative journalist Bob Woodward had already been repositioned at a new staff position in one of Amazon’s main warehouses just outside of Seattle.

Amazon.com sources say that Woodward, who is reportedly now a junior warehouse associate at the web company’s Bellevue-based warehouse, will be primarily responsible for stocking the factory shelves, tracking and packaging online orders, and several other daily tasks related to the location’s inventory.

“I know it’s only Bob’s first day, but I think it’s going to take him a little while to get the hang of working here,” said warehouse manager Sam Griffin, who confirmed that the veteran reporter who helped break the Watergate scandal would be making $11.50 an hour at his new position and $12.50 for any weekend or night shifts. “He keeps saying that at his old job he got to ‘pick his own assignments’ or something, so I guess he’s not really used to having a boss. Apparently, the guy’s never worked a forklift before either, so that’s going to be a tough couple of weeks of training.”

“The one thing I’ll give him is that he does seem very curious,” Griffin added. “I mean, he’s always asking questions and he has a little notepad and a tape recorder out at all times, so hopefully he picks something up from all that.”

Warehouse sources told reporters that, when not undergoing training, Woodward has so far spent the majority of his first day attempting to conduct short one-on-one interviews with his coworkers, and reportedly sorting through copious amounts of handwritten notes in high-traffic areas of the warehouse’s floor.

Other employees added that in the few hours of the day Woodward has managed to do his job, he has displayed virtually no skill for it.

“Bob was barely able to pack one box of shoes that was going out for shipment today, and then once he finished he wanted to know everything about the recipient,” said fellow warehouse associate Matt Briggs. “He said he was using it for some sort of investigative thing he was writing about conditions at Amazon.com warehouses. I told him to do that stuff on his own time if he really wants, but for now we’re all trying to get out of here at 5.”

“Christ, if he wants to investigate something, then he can investigate where the boxes of Sopranos Season 4 DVDs are and go shelve them in backstock,” Briggs continued.

Woodward had no comment for reporters about his new position, but was able to confirm that an unnamed source in the warehouse’s HR department said he would need to find new employment by the end of the week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close