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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Bobby Labonte Real Happy With 73rd Lap

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Despite finishing a distant 22nd in the 2009 running of the Daytona 500, veteran driver Bobby Labonte expressed supreme satisfaction with his 73rd lap of the tri-oval. "There are laps and then there are laps, but that might be the best lap I've ever run," said a visibly moved Labonte, who compared the lap to his beloved 118th at the 2007 Sharpie 500 and his much-ballyhooed third at the 2004 Tropicana 400. "In a million years I never even imagined I could run a lap like that, and I doubt I'll ever run one like that again. I can't get over the fact that it came after that disgraceful 72nd—a lap that made me honestly think the sport had passed me by. It just all came together; the racing line, the car, the draft, everything. Just amazing." When informed the lap ran him two seconds above his average time, Labonte shook his head and said, "You just don't get it."

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