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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Bobby Simmons Under Impression Nets Are Entering The Bobby Simmons Era

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following his trade from Milwaukee, small forward Bobby Simmons, who averaged 7.6 points per game in 2007–08 and has only started in one game this season, is under the impression that the New Jersey Nets have entered the Bobby Simmons Era. "The sun has set on the Bobby Simmons Era in Milwaukee, and today marks the dawn of a new day here in New Jersey," said Simmons, a journeyman who has played for four teams in his seven-year career. "I'm certain the front offices have begun to make moves to build the team around me. I just hope Vince Carter knows to step down." As of tip-off, Simmons has yet to be assigned a permanent locker.

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