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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Bobby Valentine: 'The Red Sox Suck Shit This Year And I Hate All My Players'

BOSTON—Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine announced at a press conference Thursday that the “Red Sox suck total shit this year” and confirmed his hatred of “every fucking player on the weak-ass team.” “Ugh, the Red Sox are such a shitty-ass team and the franchise sucks dick,” said Valentine, adding that Boston is an “incredibly shitty place to live.” “We’ve got a bunch of puss-bags out there. The fans are fucking assholes, and Fenway is a disgusting ballpark that I hope gets torn down.” At press time, Bobby Valentine said he “sucks shit, too.”

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