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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Bobby Valentine: 'The Red Sox Suck Shit This Year And I Hate All My Players'

BOSTON—Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine announced at a press conference Thursday that the “Red Sox suck total shit this year” and confirmed his hatred of “every fucking player on the weak-ass team.” “Ugh, the Red Sox are such a shitty-ass team and the franchise sucks dick,” said Valentine, adding that Boston is an “incredibly shitty place to live.” “We’ve got a bunch of puss-bags out there. The fans are fucking assholes, and Fenway is a disgusting ballpark that I hope gets torn down.” At press time, Bobby Valentine said he “sucks shit, too.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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