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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Bode Miller: Skiing While On Cocaine, Vicodin, LSD Also Not Easy

NEW YORK—Skier Bode Miller, the outspoken defending World Cup champion and American gold-medal favorite who was quoted on 60 Minutes as saying that skiing drunk was not easy, expanded on those statements in a press conference Wednesday. "When there’s as much powder up your nose as there is under your skis, those slalom gates come at you a lot quicker than one every second—but with enough Vicodin, you really don’t care if you catch one across your nose," said Miller, who laughed and made skiing motions with his hands as he delivered his rapid-fire 20-minute, four-sentence-long statement. "And let me tell you, it’s even worse when the acid makes it seem like the gates are all laughing at you with a million tiny mouths." Miller added that the sensory distortion of powerful drug cocktails were often ameliorated by skiing with a nude woman "positioned on your shoulders so as to block your view, if you know what I mean," but that he preferred lighter, more supple underage women for that purpose.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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