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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Bode Miller: Skiing While On Cocaine, Vicodin, LSD Also Not Easy

NEW YORK—Skier Bode Miller, the outspoken defending World Cup champion and American gold-medal favorite who was quoted on 60 Minutes as saying that skiing drunk was not easy, expanded on those statements in a press conference Wednesday. "When there’s as much powder up your nose as there is under your skis, those slalom gates come at you a lot quicker than one every second—but with enough Vicodin, you really don’t care if you catch one across your nose," said Miller, who laughed and made skiing motions with his hands as he delivered his rapid-fire 20-minute, four-sentence-long statement. "And let me tell you, it’s even worse when the acid makes it seem like the gates are all laughing at you with a million tiny mouths." Miller added that the sensory distortion of powerful drug cocktails were often ameliorated by skiing with a nude woman "positioned on your shoulders so as to block your view, if you know what I mean," but that he preferred lighter, more supple underage women for that purpose.

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