MANSFIELD, OH—Frantically shifting his gaze between the field and play clock as the seconds wound down, local 34-year-old football fan Isaac Collins announced Sunday that the quarterback better hurry the hell up and snap the ball.
NEW YORKSkier Bode Miller, the outspoken defending World Cup champion and American gold-medal favorite who was quoted on 60 Minutes as saying that skiing drunk was not easy, expanded on those statements in a press conference Wednesday. "When there’s as much powder up your nose as there is under your skis, those slalom gates come at you a lot quicker than one every secondbut with enough Vicodin, you really don’t care if you catch one across your nose," said Miller, who laughed and made skiing motions with his hands as he delivered his rapid-fire 20-minute, four-sentence-long statement. "And let me tell you, it’s even worse when the acid makes it seem like the gates are all laughing at you with a million tiny mouths." Miller added that the sensory distortion of powerful drug cocktails were often ameliorated by skiing with a nude woman "positioned on your shoulders so as to block your view, if you know what I mean," but that he preferred lighter, more supple underage women for that purpose.