Health and Wellness

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.
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Health and Wellness

Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days

DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days. “Hey, look—fruit! Maybe she’s starting to turn things around,” the woman’s internal organs were reported to have thought in response to the appearance of the strawberry, allowing themselves to naively fantasize about a series of balanced, wholesome, and properly portioned meals in an act of desperate, wishful thinking. “If we get a few more of these each day, we might just be all right. You’ve got to think we’ll probably start getting some vegetables down here pretty soon too!” Sources confirmed that, moments later, Cook’s dispirited esophagus reported an incoming stream of chocolate fondue.

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