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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days

DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days. “Hey, look—fruit! Maybe she’s starting to turn things around,” the woman’s internal organs were reported to have thought in response to the appearance of the strawberry, allowing themselves to naively fantasize about a series of balanced, wholesome, and properly portioned meals in an act of desperate, wishful thinking. “If we get a few more of these each day, we might just be all right. You’ve got to think we’ll probably start getting some vegetables down here pretty soon too!” Sources confirmed that, moments later, Cook’s dispirited esophagus reported an incoming stream of chocolate fondue.

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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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