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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Body Language Experts Offer Insight Into Meaning Of Marco Rubio Loudly Sobbing Throughout Debate

DETROIT—Closely analyzing his soft whimpers and the pained expressions on his tear-streaked face, body language experts on various political news sites provided nuanced insight into the meaning of Marco Rubio’s loud sobbing during Thursday night’s Republican debate. “If you take a look at the way Rubio has spent the majority of the debate with his head buried in his hands, only pausing his bawling to occasionally wipe the tears and mucus off his face—that’s a clear indication of disappointment, quite possibly over his recent showing on Super Tuesday,” wrote longtime political pundit Karen Stetler in a post on Politico, noting that the candidate’s audible dry-heaving likely revealed that he was somewhat nervous about his path to the nomination. “At one point, he curled up on the floor behind his podium to hide from the crowd’s view and continued crying while pulling at his hair. While this could merely be a personal tic, it seems likelier that he was displaying some level of personal discomfort about where he stands among the remaining Republican field.” When the Florida senator later responded to a question by staring blankly down at his lectern for a full minute before walking slowly off the stage, experts were quick to note the gesture may have lost him the debate.


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