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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Body Language Experts Offer Insight Into Meaning Of Marco Rubio Loudly Sobbing Throughout Debate

DETROIT—Closely analyzing his soft whimpers and the pained expressions on his tear-streaked face, body language experts on various political news sites provided nuanced insight into the meaning of Marco Rubio’s loud sobbing during Thursday night’s Republican debate. “If you take a look at the way Rubio has spent the majority of the debate with his head buried in his hands, only pausing his bawling to occasionally wipe the tears and mucus off his face—that’s a clear indication of disappointment, quite possibly over his recent showing on Super Tuesday,” wrote longtime political pundit Karen Stetler in a post on Politico, noting that the candidate’s audible dry-heaving likely revealed that he was somewhat nervous about his path to the nomination. “At one point, he curled up on the floor behind his podium to hide from the crowd’s view and continued crying while pulling at his hair. While this could merely be a personal tic, it seems likelier that he was displaying some level of personal discomfort about where he stands among the remaining Republican field.” When the Florida senator later responded to a question by staring blankly down at his lectern for a full minute before walking slowly off the stage, experts were quick to note the gesture may have lost him the debate.


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