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Bodybuilder Extensively Explains Difference Between Bodybuilding, Weightlifting

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Bodybuilder Extensively Explains Difference Between Bodybuilding, Weightlifting

GLENDALE, AZ–Clarifying a common misconception about "two very distinct sports," bodybuilder Glen Tuttle extensively explained the difference between bodybuilding and weight training Monday.

Bodybuilder Glen Tuttle takes a break between quad blasts at Powerhouse Gym.

"It's a frequent assumption that weightlifting and bodybuilding are one and the same," Tuttle, 41, told Perry Sarkes, a sales associate at Oshman's, a sporting-goods store at Arizona Mills Mall. "But in reality, nothing could be further from the truth."

Tuttle, who was at Oshman's shopping for a back-support belt, was forced to explain the difference to Sarkes when the 20-year-old employee asked him how long he'd been a weightlifter. Tuttle replied that he's been a bodybuilder for more than six years.

"Bodybuilding emphasizes developing large, well-defined, well-proportioned muscles," Tuttle said. "In weightlifting, on the other hand, the goal is simply increasing muscular strength. Now, weight training, that's something else entirely. Weight training builds strength to improve performance in other athletic activities. You're gonna see a lot of basketball and football players doing weight training."

Though Sarkes had not asked, Tuttle went on to explain that it is an individual's goal for his or her body which determines the fitness program that particular individual should choose.

"A bodybuilder is looking to achieve a certain overall body image," said Tuttle, who works out approximately 30 hours a week and subscribes to numerous bodybuilding magazines, including Flex, Ironman, and Muscle And Fitness. "It's much more than simply upping the weight on your bar."

As Sarkes rang up the Weider pro-series belt and oversized B.U.M. Equipment tank top Tuttle had picked out, the 1998 NPC Arizona Championships semi-finalist explained that bodybuilding competitions are much more "involved" than weightlifting competitions.

"In bodybuilding, you don't just walk off with the prize because you lifted the most weight," Tuttle said. "You've got to have 100 percent control over every part of your body, including your brain. You've got to be ripped from head to toe, but you also need a certain mental attitude."

A major part of bodybuilding is what Tuttle calls "achieving the bodybuilder ideal" of perfect definition, size, and symmetry.

"I've seen a lot of guys with mind-blowing quads, but then they totally ignore their traps," Tuttle said. "To be a competition-level bodybuilder, you need the complete package. That's not so in weightlifting, where you can easily get away with favoring certain muscle groups over others."

A bodybuilder, Tuttle said, must also know how to properly apply skin-bronzing agents, oils, and depilatories to emphasize muscle definition while posing onstage.

"Bodybuilding requires finesse and style, not just brute physical strength," Tuttle said. "Schwarzenegger, Sergio Oliva, Frank Zane–those guys were incredibly strong, but you have to remember that they were also tremendously graceful. And when it came time for the pose-down, they really knew how to put on a show."

This is not the first time Tuttle has clarified a point regarding bodybuilding. Last Friday, on the stretching mats at Vic Tanny, the full-service health club he patronizes when Powerhouse Gym is closed, Tuttle educated club member Stacey Schuitt about the crucial role proper diet plays in bodybuilding.

"More than in any other sport, in bodybuilding, eating right is your number-one priority," said Tuttle, who lists his favorite foods as broiled salmon and baked potatoes with fat-free sour cream. "If you don't put the proper fuel in your engine, your car isn't going to go anywhere."

"I eat a high-protein meal one hour before working out and a mixed high-protein and potassium-rich carb meal one hour after the workout," Tuttle told Schuitt. "Then I take a Creatine Monohydrate supplement if it's an arm day, or a 32-ounce Twin Lab Amino Fuel shake if I'm doing legs. You probably don't have to worry about that, though, if you're just looking to lose weight. Still, a good antioxidant wouldn't hurt."

As Tuttle recently told Food Lion checkout clerk Josh Calhoun, the rewards of bodybuilding are well worth the tremendous work and dedication the sport demands.

"I'm developing every muscle in my body, from pecs to glutes to hammies," Tuttle said. "Why devote yourself to a sport that doesn't demand perfection from every inch of you? When I use my body, I want to go all-out, balls to the wall."

Bart Cordova, Tuttle's longtime friend and frequent spotter, is equally enthusiastic about bodybuilding.

"Bodybuilding is like no other sport," Cordova said. "But don't make the mistake of thinking that all bodybuilders are the same. Approaches and procedures vary widely from organization to organization. Don't assume, for example, that NABBA bodybuilding is the same as IFBB or NPC bodybuilding, because it's not. Let me explain."

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