Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas

WASHINGTON—Amid the continuing debate over the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” sources close to House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) confirmed Monday that he simply wants his wife, Deborah, to listen to his budget proposal and “isn’t in the mood for a debate” over her suggestions for alternative ways to reduce the federal deficit. “Hey, honey, would you please stop throwing in your own ideas and just listen to what I’m saying, okay? I know what I’m doing here,” said Boehner, who reportedly grew increasingly frustrated as his spouse interjected various ideas for closing loopholes, limiting deductions, and scaling back health care costs in order to trim the government’s $16 trillion debt. “Don’t you think I would have thought of lowering marginal tax rates? If you just let me talk for two seconds—Debbie…Debbie, please!—if you just let me finish, you’ll see that I already considered lower marginal tax rates as well as raising the rates of capital gains and dividends, and it doesn’t work. The revenue doesn’t add up, and—see, I’m trying to explain it to you, but you won’t listen.” At press time, after hearing his wife’s lengthy argument, Boehner was forced to concede that her suggestion to institute a gradual increase in the Medicare eligibility age was “a pretty good idea,” although “similar to an idea I already had, actually.”

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