adBlockCheck

Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas

Top Headlines

Politics

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas

WASHINGTON—Amid the continuing debate over the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” sources close to House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) confirmed Monday that he simply wants his wife, Deborah, to listen to his budget proposal and “isn’t in the mood for a debate” over her suggestions for alternative ways to reduce the federal deficit. “Hey, honey, would you please stop throwing in your own ideas and just listen to what I’m saying, okay? I know what I’m doing here,” said Boehner, who reportedly grew increasingly frustrated as his spouse interjected various ideas for closing loopholes, limiting deductions, and scaling back health care costs in order to trim the government’s $16 trillion debt. “Don’t you think I would have thought of lowering marginal tax rates? If you just let me talk for two seconds—Debbie…Debbie, please!—if you just let me finish, you’ll see that I already considered lower marginal tax rates as well as raising the rates of capital gains and dividends, and it doesn’t work. The revenue doesn’t add up, and—see, I’m trying to explain it to you, but you won’t listen.” At press time, after hearing his wife’s lengthy argument, Boehner was forced to concede that her suggestion to institute a gradual increase in the Medicare eligibility age was “a pretty good idea,” although “similar to an idea I already had, actually.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close