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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas

WASHINGTON—Amid the continuing debate over the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” sources close to House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) confirmed Monday that he simply wants his wife, Deborah, to listen to his budget proposal and “isn’t in the mood for a debate” over her suggestions for alternative ways to reduce the federal deficit. “Hey, honey, would you please stop throwing in your own ideas and just listen to what I’m saying, okay? I know what I’m doing here,” said Boehner, who reportedly grew increasingly frustrated as his spouse interjected various ideas for closing loopholes, limiting deductions, and scaling back health care costs in order to trim the government’s $16 trillion debt. “Don’t you think I would have thought of lowering marginal tax rates? If you just let me talk for two seconds—Debbie…Debbie, please!—if you just let me finish, you’ll see that I already considered lower marginal tax rates as well as raising the rates of capital gains and dividends, and it doesn’t work. The revenue doesn’t add up, and—see, I’m trying to explain it to you, but you won’t listen.” At press time, after hearing his wife’s lengthy argument, Boehner was forced to concede that her suggestion to institute a gradual increase in the Medicare eligibility age was “a pretty good idea,” although “similar to an idea I already had, actually.”

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