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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Boise Homemaker Bows Toward Mecca Just To See What It's Like

BOISE, ID—After reading an article about Muslim rituals, curious homemaker Frances Parker decided to give bowing toward Mecca a shot Tuesday.  "I guess I just wanted to see what it'd feel like," Parker said of the few minutes she set aside to lay a colorful blanket on the ground, draw the curtains, and look up which direction Mecca was from her house in Boise. "It was kind of neat." While she admitted performing the ritual five times a day seemed "a bit much," the mother of two told reporters she might try to work in another bow tomorrow and see how that goes.

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