adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bold Employee Just Watching Videos During Meeting With Sound On

PHILADELPHIA—Showing reportedly no signs whatsoever of fear, restraint, or apprehension, sources confirmed today bold local graphic designer Dan Perrett was just watching videos on his laptop, with the sound on and everything, during a 1 p.m. board meeting. “Ha,” Perrett reportedly chuckled to himself, confidently and unabashedly, before raising the volume on a YouTube video titled “Man wipes out on scooter,” right there in the middle of a telephone conference with corporate. “That’s hilarious.” According to sources, Perrett then loudly called for a coworker in the next room to “come check this out.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close