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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Bold Employee Just Watching Videos During Meeting With Sound On

PHILADELPHIA—Showing reportedly no signs whatsoever of fear, restraint, or apprehension, sources confirmed today bold local graphic designer Dan Perrett was just watching videos on his laptop, with the sound on and everything, during a 1 p.m. board meeting. “Ha,” Perrett reportedly chuckled to himself, confidently and unabashedly, before raising the volume on a YouTube video titled “Man wipes out on scooter,” right there in the middle of a telephone conference with corporate. “That’s hilarious.” According to sources, Perrett then loudly called for a coworker in the next room to “come check this out.”

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