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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom

VATICAN CITY—Less than a week after succeeding Pope Benedict XVI as the next Bishop of Rome and inheriting a deeply divided Catholic Church, Pope Francis I on Sunday signaled a bold direction for his papacy by demonstrating to followers gathered in Saint Peter’s Square how to correctly use and apply a condom. “It’s imperative that partners use a brand-new condom for each act of vaginal, anal, or oral sex and put it on as soon as erection occurs,” the supreme pontiff said to thousands of devout Catholics while gripping the base of an anatomical teaching model and gently rolling a LifeStyles-brand condom down the shaft of the silicon penis. “To reduce air pockets and minimize the risk of breakage, pinch the top of the semen reservoir with your thumb and forefinger, then withdraw the penis directly after ejaculation. And remember, always use a new condom when alternating between different sexual acts; it’s more effective, more sanitary, and improves the sexual experience for both partners.” Francis added that though he understood condom use was not ideal for maximizing sexual pleasure and personally prefers not to wear them, they are the most effective way to prevent the spread of infectious diseases besides abstaining from sex altogether.

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