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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bombastic Team Introduction Scares Timid Charlotte Bobcats Back Into Locker Room

CHARLOTTE, NC—Frightened by the deafening music, the frenzied laser show, and the announcer's booming voice, panicked Charlotte Bobcats players fled the chaotic environment of the Time Warner Cable Arena during their pregame introduction Friday, hiding in their locker room until they were assured by officials that it was safe to come out. "I have no idea what was going on out there, because it just went totally dark, and then everybody started screaming and there were these sirens going off for some reason," said small forward Gerald Wallace, who admitted fearing for his life. "Then there was this growling, super-loud voice that seemed to come from all around us. And somehow it knew all our names—how? Anyway, that's when we all got the hell out of there as fast as we could."After Bobcats coach Larry Brown spent 20 minutes coaxing the players back onto the court for the opening tip-off, the team scattered in every direction when a referee blew his whistle.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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