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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Bombastic Team Introduction Scares Timid Charlotte Bobcats Back Into Locker Room

CHARLOTTE, NC—Frightened by the deafening music, the frenzied laser show, and the announcer's booming voice, panicked Charlotte Bobcats players fled the chaotic environment of the Time Warner Cable Arena during their pregame introduction Friday, hiding in their locker room until they were assured by officials that it was safe to come out. "I have no idea what was going on out there, because it just went totally dark, and then everybody started screaming and there were these sirens going off for some reason," said small forward Gerald Wallace, who admitted fearing for his life. "Then there was this growling, super-loud voice that seemed to come from all around us. And somehow it knew all our names—how? Anyway, that's when we all got the hell out of there as fast as we could."After Bobcats coach Larry Brown spent 20 minutes coaxing the players back onto the court for the opening tip-off, the team scattered in every direction when a referee blew his whistle.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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