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Book Of Revelations: Secrets Revealed In Other Athletes' Autobiographies

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Book Of Revelations: Secrets Revealed In Other Athletes' Autobiographies

John Daly's new book "Educated Guess" sheds light on the champion golfer's career, including the revelations that he must re-teach himself how to play golf after every stultifying hangover and how he won the 1991 PGA Championship while in a total dissociative fugue state as a Mexican horticulturalist named "Juan". Daly is not the only athlete to make some world-shocking revelations. Here are some other recent autobiographies of note:

  • Yuniesky Betancourt: the Royals shortstop has admitted on more than one occasion that he could hit for a much higher batting average, but is addicted to the jolting thrill of swinging and missing at a pitched ball.
  • Ron Artest: In his new book "Careless Texas Indecency", Artest makes a number of startling admissions, including that has played every game in his career naked save for extremely realistic looking body paint.
  • Barbaro: The iconic horse's recent memoir revealed that the Kentucky Derby winning horse is not only still alive, but capable of writing his own memoir.
  • Dwyane Wade: Details the Heat's star's struggles with addiction to ridiculous plaid bowties and horn-rimmed glasses.
  • Tiger Woods: As a follow-up to John Daly's autobiography, Woods released a book in which he reveals he doesn't remember anything he's done in the past two years so no one else should either.

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