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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Book Of Revelations: Secrets Revealed In Other Athletes' Autobiographies

John Daly's new book "Educated Guess" sheds light on the champion golfer's career, including the revelations that he must re-teach himself how to play golf after every stultifying hangover and how he won the 1991 PGA Championship while in a total dissociative fugue state as a Mexican horticulturalist named "Juan". Daly is not the only athlete to make some world-shocking revelations. Here are some other recent autobiographies of note:

  • Yuniesky Betancourt: the Royals shortstop has admitted on more than one occasion that he could hit for a much higher batting average, but is addicted to the jolting thrill of swinging and missing at a pitched ball.
  • Ron Artest: In his new book "Careless Texas Indecency", Artest makes a number of startling admissions, including that has played every game in his career naked save for extremely realistic looking body paint.
  • Barbaro: The iconic horse's recent memoir revealed that the Kentucky Derby winning horse is not only still alive, but capable of writing his own memoir.
  • Dwyane Wade: Details the Heat's star's struggles with addiction to ridiculous plaid bowties and horn-rimmed glasses.
  • Tiger Woods: As a follow-up to John Daly's autobiography, Woods released a book in which he reveals he doesn't remember anything he's done in the past two years so no one else should either.

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