adBlockCheck

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

Top Headlines

Recent News

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth. “I was just sitting around not really doing anything when I looked over at Jupiter and suddenly thought to myself, ‘I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth,’” said God, noting that He had stuffed 58 moons into His mouth once before but had never tried to put an entire gas giant in there. “It’s a pretty big planet, so I had to open my mouth really wide, and even then I had to shove it fairly hard with the palm of my hand. I got it in pretty far, but then I nearly choked, and I chickened out. Almost had it.” God added that He spent the rest of the afternoon seeing how close He could get His hand to the sun before it started to really hurt.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close