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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth. “I was just sitting around not really doing anything when I looked over at Jupiter and suddenly thought to myself, ‘I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth,’” said God, noting that He had stuffed 58 moons into His mouth once before but had never tried to put an entire gas giant in there. “It’s a pretty big planet, so I had to open my mouth really wide, and even then I had to shove it fairly hard with the palm of my hand. I got it in pretty far, but then I nearly choked, and I chickened out. Almost had it.” God added that He spent the rest of the afternoon seeing how close He could get His hand to the sun before it started to really hurt.

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