adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
End Of Section
  • More News

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth. “I was just sitting around not really doing anything when I looked over at Jupiter and suddenly thought to myself, ‘I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth,’” said God, noting that He had stuffed 58 moons into His mouth once before but had never tried to put an entire gas giant in there. “It’s a pretty big planet, so I had to open my mouth really wide, and even then I had to shove it fairly hard with the palm of my hand. I got it in pretty far, but then I nearly choked, and I chickened out. Almost had it.” God added that He spent the rest of the afternoon seeing how close He could get His hand to the sun before it started to really hurt.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings