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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Bored GOP Vetting Rand Paul Just To Kill Time Before Viable 2016 Candidate Emerges

WASHINGTON—Calling the rigorous evaluation process “something to do” for the time being, bored Republican Party officials told reporters Friday they’ve decided to go ahead and vet prospective 2016 presidential contender Rand Paul in order to kill a little time before a viable candidate emerges. “It’s still pretty early, and honestly we don’t have much else to do right now, so we figured we might as well assess Rand Paul’s background and political profile until someone who actually has a decent chance of getting elected comes along,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, who claimed that, although a thorough appraisal and series of personal interviews would certainly not result in the senator and libertarian-leaning Tea Party member coming anywhere close to the Republican nomination, it would at least provide GOP strategists an interesting, time-consuming endeavor to get them through the next couple months. “Obviously, there’s not a chance we see the name ‘Rand Paul’ on the ballot in 2016, but running his political positions by a few focus groups and making sure he doesn’t have any dirty laundry that might come up in a hypothetical presidential run is better than just sitting on our hands, you know? To be clear, though, once a halfway appealing centrist whom the American people might actually consider getting behind dips his toes in the water, we’re dropping this whole Rand Paul thing on the spot.” Priebus added that, given the utter lack of legitimate 2016 candidates currently out there, the GOP might vet Ted Cruz as well “just for the fuck of it.”

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